This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
