i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
