I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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