this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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