I wish my penis had an off switch
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
