Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
