and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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