You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
