how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
