He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
