I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
