Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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