They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
