a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
