im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
it was like eating out sand paper
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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