...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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