FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
