just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
