The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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