So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
