now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
