Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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