the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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