one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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