The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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