dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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