please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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