how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
