she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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