his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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