Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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