I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
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