Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
