you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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