And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
