I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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