Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
