I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
