I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
