this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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