I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
porn star boner night. come get it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
