theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
