everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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