saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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