Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
