Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
