Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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