Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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