So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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