I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
