Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
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I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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