i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Im part way to drunk.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
