i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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