Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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