my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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