im about as happy as oj after his trial
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
