I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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