I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
